Beyond the Surface

Like many other groups, we’ve been aiming to cultivate a space that celebrates openness, respect and authentic connection. Recently, we faced a challenging situation involving one of our co-founders, which has prompted us to reflect deeply on the nature of leadership, influence and responsibility within sex-positive communities.

Over time, this individual’s behavior became increasingly problematic, both within the organization and in personal interactions. The turning point came when a conflict with another member escalated dramatically. After repeatedly screaming, insulting and devaluing the other member, he refused to listen to their perspective and stormed out of the room, declaring his disregard for the entire group, their opinions and his decision to leave the association.

This person employed what can only be described as a perpetrator strategy: He created divisions within the group by isolating FLINTA members and manipulating them individually, making it nearly impossible for us to collaborate openly and honestly. By constantly shifting loyalties and stirring conflict, he maintained control over the group.

In addition he repeatedly violated the sexual and emotional boundaries of two members, disregarding their clear and explicitly communicated limits. Furthermore, we discovered a lack of transparency in how he handled the association's financial matters, leading to the misuse of our funds without the consent or knowledge of other members.

These issues are symptomatic of a broader pattern of his unwillingness to value consent and lack of respect for the rest of the group.

Despite his partial acknowledgment of some issues, the recurring and calculated nature of his behavior, combined with his complete refusal to take real accountability for the harm he caused, underscores a serious problem: When individuals publicly champion values like feminism, consent and transparency, yet privately act contrary to these principles, it not only harms the directly affected individuals but also jeopardizes the integrity of the entire community.

We are sharing this information to prevent further rumors and foster discussion about the challenges and questions this experience has raised.

This situation shows how deeply rooted the impact of patriarchal violence is in each and every one of us and that we are not always able to react in the way we wish or practice. The assumption, sex positive rooms with all their awareness structures are free of this type of violence and behavior is a dangerous illusion we can only break by speaking up and shedding light on the difficulties. What we understand as ‘safeR space’ is exactly that: not promising the illusion of a safe room where no harm will ever accure, but building enough trust so we can all together learn to detect, speak up and heal from the impacts of a society that teaches us to look away.

With the vulnerability of sharing this experience with you, we want to open the room even more for the difficult and painful process of looking deep within ourselves and our most inner circles.

The emotional and psychological impact of publicly confronting such issues is substantial. At the same time, confronting these issues publicly is essential for growth and improvement—as individuals, as a group, and as a community. As we work through these challenges, we invite you—guests, organizers, and fellow advocates—to join us in strengthening our practices. We must collectively address manipulative and predatory behaviors, ensure accountability, support those affected by toxic dynamics and cultivate a culture of genuine openness and communication.

We don’t have all the answers, and we are aware that rebuilding trust will be a gradual process. We are committed to navigating this journey with our community and are open to your thoughts, experiences and insights. Please feel free to reach out to us at contact@viberations.events to share your perspective.

*Please respect that for legal reasons we cannot publish the name of the person or further details about what happend*